Thomas Milne
Fear is the Mind Killer: A COVID-19 Story
MY COVID EXPERIENCE: My life during the COVID-19 pandemic has been similar to many, filled with its turbulent ups and downs, its bone chilling fears and eye opening hopes. It has been an experience that has contributed greatly to changing many aspects of my life, such as the increased use of technology and online tools to stay connected to friends and family. It has even changed the way I value my friends and family, contributing to a shift in my appreciation for any physical time we get to spend together. How important it is that these relationships are maintained and support is given when needed. Ultimately I would say my life during the pandemic has been about overcoming fear and grabiling with the “new normal”. From wearing a mask everytime I enter a store, to social distancing with extended family, friends, and strangers. My life during COVID-19 has been filled with confrontation, acceptance and growth.
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OBJECT IMAGE: An "I Got My Covid-19 Vaccine Sticker" from Halton ON
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OBJECT DESCRIPTION AND RELATIONSHIP TO COVID-19: I choose to include this image for our archive because it connects to a particular moment of significance during my personal pandemic journey. This image contextualizes the moment I received my first dose of the Moderna COVID-19 vaccine. To me this moment was monumental as it felt as though a large weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I remember being filled with joy after booking my appointment as I realized the long induced fear and uneasiness that I had consistently associated with the pandemic in the back of my mind was finally about to come to an end. However it was not only joy that I associate with this particular image and memory, fear was a significant component. Fear of the unknown that comes along with having a forgin substances injected into your body. As much as I explained to myself how irrational this fear was and how safe the vaccine was, the feeling to me only felt natural. It was in this moment that I felt the most amount of empathy for those who were choosing to not get vaccinated. As much as that diverse group has its diverse reason for opting out of the vaccine I believe their choice is inherently rooted in fear, the same fear I felt moments before the pharmacist jabbed me with the syringe. It is in the memory and this image that I am evoked with joy, fear, and a similar dose of empathy as this marked one of the most pivotal moments in my pandemic journey. |
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PRIMARY SOURCE DESCRIPTION: The primary source I included outlines the basic information the municipality of Halton provided to someone after they received a COVID-19 vaccination from one of their publicly run pop-up clinics. I selected this document because similar to the sticker above it represents a monumental moment on my pandemic journey, bookmarking the moment when I received my first dose of the Moderna vaccine. So similarly it evokes an emotion of joy, but it also importantly contextualizes the attitudes and position of the government and public health. Even though there was relief on a personal and societal level after receiving a first dose of the vaccine, public health continued to urge the public to be vigilant and cautious. This is because at this point in the pandemic, it was not over, and COVID-19 was still a public health emergency and many people within the community were still vulnerable. It was important that this message was pushed out and parts of this document address this, such as the parts addressing continual social distancing and mask use even after vaccination. Even though this document represents some memory of joy it is also an important contextual reminder that the pandemic did not end when vaccines were rolled out. There is still plenty of work until we reach that point.
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PRIMARY SOURCE: |
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NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: |
PERSONAL REACTION TO THIS HEADLINE: This headline posed a question that was on everyone's mind during the time it was pubished. Once the vaccine is created and ready for distribution, who gets it first? As the world inched closer and closer to this reality the top experts in all different fields of academia chimed in to give their thoughts on who should be the priority. Most agreed that those with the highest risk factor for a severe case of the disease should be vaccinated first. However a large group of experts were also pushing for front line workers to be vaccinated. This mainly consisted of nurses and doctors as their good health was needed to prop up the health care system in Canada. However this debate transformed into who is classified as “frontline workers”, as many advocated for grocery store employees and factory workers to be considered as important as health care professionals. During this turbulent phase of the pandemic there seemed to be dozens of groups advocating for why they deserved to be vaccinated first. The unfortunate reality of Canada’s vaccine rollout become not about who to vaccinate but how many people can we vaccinate, as in the early days the country was limited more by supply of vaccines rather than deciding who to give them to. Reflecting back on it now there is not much I would change in how it was handled other than potentially advocating for a priority to vaccines for children as they have often been an overlooked group during the pandemic.
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Our World in Data: Share of People Vaccinated Against COVID-19, Jun 6, 2021 |
| VISUALIZING COVID-19:
The visualization above is one of the many wonderful graphs produced over at Our World in Data. Here we see the number of single dose vaccinated people world wide. What I found particularly fascinating about this graph was Canada’s position of second in the world, with 63% of Canadains vaccinated with at least one dose. This was phenomenal news for me as I had my reservations for how many Canadians would actually get vaccinated. Initially I thought a larger number of Canadians would feel similarly to a large number of Americans who have been vocally anti-vaccination. It was due to this that I believed we would have a similar rate of vaccinations to the United States, struggling to hit the higher 60-70% numbers. It was to my thankful surprise that this was not the case and as of June 12, 2021 we become the top country for individuals with a single dose of the COVID-19 vaccine. This perhaps speaks to how important it was that our governments took the pandemic seriously and constantly worked to promote correct messaging about the importance and safety of vaccines.
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COVID Q&A
Describe the moment you realized how serious COVID-19 was:
I have a very distinct memory about the moment I realized how serious COVID-19 was. In early March my parents went on a trip to visit my grandparents in southern Texas, this was just before cases began to pop up outside of China. As the days went on and cases began appearing all across the world, I remember starting to confront the idea that this disease could begin spreading like wildfire. This made harkening back to an earlier discussion I had with my brother in February where he expressed his worry the disease could turn into a pandemic. I immediately became worried about my family who were in the United States and the uncertainty of what would happen if COVID-19 began spreading out of control. I spent the next several days calling and pleading with my parents and grandparents to come home early before Canada could close the border. For them this realization happened later as in the United States the government was denying the severity of the disease. At this moment I seemed like an alarmist, crying wolf before there was any evidence of it attacking. I was thankful that they eventually did listen and came home speedily, but it was in these harrowing days that I had to confront a feeling of fear that I had never experienced before. A genuine fear of the unknown, a fear of not knowing how the world is going to look in the next month or year. A fear of the monumental change that this pandemic was about to bring and what that was going to mean. For me this fear was something that I will never forget and reflecting on it now I know it was an important part of me becoming ready to take on the changes the pandemic brought to almost every aspect of my life.
What did you learn about yourself or the people you live with during COVID-19?
The main takeaway I learned about myself and the people I lived with during the pandemic was just how difficult it can be to cohabitate with family when you are constantly stuck in the house together. This forceful reality where both my parents converted to working from home fulltime and I was taking full time online school, it quickly became evident that there was no escape from one another. This led to several moments of friction but we eventually had to learn to do our best to accommodate each other during this precarious time. It was by no means perfect but it became functional. Ultimately I felt like I gained a great appreciation for the effort it takes to create a functioning household.
Other than wearing a mask, what was the biggest change you made to your daily life? Do you think this change will remain when all lockdowns are lifted?
The biggest change I made in my daily life other than wearing a mask has to be engaging in small talk. This definitely became the case during my small stint at a local LCBO where I was constantly engaging in small talk with customers. It continued outside of work and turned into something I no longer avoided in my everyday life. The pandemic quickly opened my eyes to how important it is to engage in these small conversations when they arise. The pandemic has taken away a significant portion of people's physical social experiences and for many the only outlet they have for this human necessity is small talk. I believe I will continue this change once things begin transitioning back to normal as I no longer will undervalue or marginalize the significant importance something as simple as small talk can have on creating a positive experience for those who might need it.
Have you learned any new skills during the pandemic?
I have not necessarily learned any new skills over the course of the pandemic but I have done some work on improving skills. This has mainly taken shape through my increase in cooking, baking and mixology. I have continued to be adventurous with trying new recipes and making meals from scratch as much as possible. It has been rewarding to invest time and effort into preparing better quality food and it has become a way for me and my partner to spend valuable time together. It has also been an experience that I have been able to share with friends and family as connecting over food that was prepared with care is a tale as old as time.
How do you feel about university education in the last year?
I felt like my university education over the last year has noticeably declined in quality. Online learning may have its uses and benefits to specific individuals and circumstances, but it is overall subpar to the experiences you get from learning in person. My main problem with it is its unavoidable level of disconnection and coldness that is present in a zoom lecture. In these lectures the majority of students keep their camera off, leaving only a white name on a black background as a stand in for an engaging face that would be the norm in an in-person lecture. You also lose out on any opportunity to build meaningful connections with your peers as once the lecture is over they pull away back to the confines of their own individual world. There is no continuing the conversation after class, bumping into your peers on campus and getting a bite to eat, or much in the way of community building at all online. There is no desire to continue to build on casual connections when these learning environments are moved online. This to me is my biggest critique of my university education in the last year, and I am sure it's a common one felt by most students who have been experiencing online learning during the pandemic.
List one positive thing and one negative thing you'll take away from 2020:
One positive thing I will take away from 2020 has to be my new found appreciation for time spent outdoors. Whether this be spent doing various leisurely activities such as hiking or just lounging and reading a book, prioritizing time spent outside has been one of the largest positive things to take away from 2020. Not only has it been a way to recharge and improve my mental health during various lockdowns, but also a way to try to stay active when my traditional means of going to a gym is unavailable. One negative thing I will take away from 2020 has to be my subpar online learning experience. The reality of knowing that my education is suffering due to the pandemic was a troubling notion to accept. This is why it is one of the largest negatives that I had during 2020, as it was a large part of my daily routine and unescapable.
What is the best movie or TV show you've watched, or the best book you've read, in the past 18 months?
The best book I read in the last 18 months without a doubt had to be Frank Herbert’s epic Dune. The book follows your basic hero arc, you have Pual Atreides who becomes known as the mysterious Maud’Dib on the hostile desert world of Arakkis. What makes this novel such an amazing read is the world Frank Herbert crafts for his story to take place in. The detail and world building is akin to Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings. This is what drew me in and kept me reading through all 700 plus pages of the paperback version. It acted as an active escape for me during the pandemic into another world where someone else was grappling with the outcomes of a catastrophic event, and eventually learning to conquer his newfound hostile environment.
How large of an impact do you think COVID-19 has had on your mental health?
I think COVID-19 has had a large impact on my mental health. For me specifically however I think its effect came much later. As during the beginning of the pandemic I was content with shifting a lot of my activities online as this was predominantly how I spent my leisure time. It was not until the winter months of 2020 and into 2021 that I began to notice how much the pandemic was weighing on me. With the cold weather bringing an end to the escape outside, I began feeling more and more the awfulness associated with spending day in and day out inside and on my computer. Since most other physical leisure activities were shut down during the third wave I remember feeling trapped within the confines of my home. This is why I believe I spent more time reading as it offered a leisurely escape for me, removed from the torment of screens.
How has technology impacted your life during lockdown?
Technology has impacted almost every aspect of my life during the pandemic. There is not a day that goes by during the course of the pandemic that I have not needed some form of technology to complete what is required of me. Whether this be online schooling, or leisure activities such as watching Netflix or gaming, technology has taken over my life. It has become the main way I socialize with my friend group, through the occasion times a week we chat on discord while we game together. It has also become the main source of my information. Through Twitter I keep myself updated with all the current news and events that transpire relating to the pandemic. Life has more or less become captured by the screen and it feels increasingly hard to release it. It has however allowed me to cherish the moments I do have outside away from technology more, and even actively seeking these moments far more than I used to.
How has the pandemic brought wider acknowledgement to systemic racism in Canada?
To me the pandemic has brought wider acknowledgement to systemic racism in Canada in the form of our inability to no longer avoid the issue. The pandemic has ultimately slowed down our lives. Many Canadians were temporary or permanently laid off from their job and thus found themselves with less everyday distractions. This also led to many frustrated Canadaians with the circumstances the pandemic was creating for them. Together this brewed the perfect storm, so when the murder of George Floyd captured the hearts and minds of people around the world, they had no where to turn. Canadians and others around the world had no more distractions and where forced into accepting this, coupled with only further frustration that needed to be expressed. Thus the riots and Black Lives Matters protests broke out as a result of the pandemic, and I hope this new found acceptance surmounts to some tangible change.
In what ways do you envision society changing due to the pandemic?
There are dozens of ways in which I envision society changing due to the pandemic. A significant one I foresee is a continuation and increasing push for work from home style of employment. I know from the anecdotal experience of my mother and father that transiting to more or less full time working from home has been a blessing. Not only has it been economically beneficial as many people save a substantial amount of money by not commuting and paying for gas. They are also reducing the wear and tear on the vehicle which helps preserve it for a longer period of time. The biggest benefit I see it having and the number one reason I believe many employees will not want to go back to the office is the amount of time gained from working at home. Many people are able to spend more time with their families than they have before. This is especially important to those with young children who now no longer require daycare to watch their children while at work. These people have been given an amount of flexibility that previously would only have been dreamed about. There is also reason to believe companies will be incentivized to keep their employees at home. Not only will it keep their employees happy, but recent data has shown how work efficiency has gone up since people began working from home. Large companies also stand to gain a great deal if a large majority of their employees prefer to work from home. As with a reduced physical workforce large companies that are spending huge amounts on leasing office space will no longer require as much space to keep their reduced physical workforce. This could eventually lead to an empty lot crisis where previous commercial real estate is no longer in as high of a demand as it used to be. Overall just as every aspect of society has been touched and changed in some form by the pandemic so has the corporate landscape changed forever.
Now that you are done with both the course and your additions to the archive, is there anything you'd like to reflect on?
I would like to end by reflecting on the significance of the pandemic and how using the medium of this archive to reflect on these events has been extremely beneficial. As someone who has never been able to get into journaling I rarely get the chance to express my thoughts in a written format. What I have learned from this whole experience is just how significant this form of reflection can be for critically engaging with events of this magnitude. I have been able to evoke emotions that before this I knew existed and were tied to the pandemic but unable to express. It has been eye opening expierence and I can only encourage anyone reading this to do the same. I would also finally like to acknowledge the importance of having these experiences to be recorded for the historical record. It is important that when future historians speak about COVID-19 to future generations that they have this kind of detailed and intimate knowledge to give them further understanding of the past. As well for me and all those who lived through this pandemic it is important to document and acknowledge the historical significance this event has had. Hopefully through the perilous circumstances of the pandemic we can finally feel more closely connected to generations of the past who had to overcome their own forms of precarious events to create their new normal. For as of the last year we truly have been living history in the making.